Not an Optimist

I'm watching Michael J. Fox's Adventures of an Incurable Optimist. I'm reminded that he is living with Parkinson Disease, that horrible affliction that we HOPED for for Jim. If he had it he would still be here.

Today is one of those days when I am
EVER
SO
BRUTALLY reminded that a huge chunk of my heart is missing-forever gone.
One of those days when all of the details of his death come rushing back.

It's like this horrible nightmare that I occasionally get a reprieve from, then I wake up screaming into a life I

NEVER EVER WANTED

a life without him.

Surrounded by people, I feel incredibly alone.

I hear someone breathe and I remember the moment he took his last breath.

I look at someone's hand and I remember holding HIS hand as he died.

Everywhere I turn there are painful reminders of a life that included him and now our lives exclude him and that feels wrong

And I Am So Sorry!