Why Doesn't He Call?

I still feel like a liar every. single. time I say that he died. This internal monologue takes so much of my heart away each time.
He died,
no he didn't.
I think he is just not talking to me right now, he hasn't called me in months,
I havn't heard from him, is he okay?
He must be on some job in another state,
but he would have at least called Mom.
Where is he?
Why doesn't he call?
Because he's dead.
He is dead.
Don't you remember? You watched him die. You watched his last breath escape from his lips. You laid your head on his chest and heard nothing, no air, no breath. You held his hands until they turned cold. You kept petting his arm, like you could make the circulation return, like if you were a good sister you would just BRING HIM BACK!!!